Wednesday, March 19, 2008

a little bit glum

on my tricycle
me, back in the day

I've been feeling a bit down since I came back from my weekend in Texas. It's nothing big - it's just overwhelming for me to be there, where every scene I see floods me with a memory and I inevitably don't have enough time to talk to and spend time with everyone special to me. Also it gets me thinking of the things I love about Texas, how much I miss nature, and quietness and solitude. The trade-off of course of living in a big city like New York is all the marvelous opportunities you have literally at your doorstep - all the art, all the culture, all the talented and inspiring people. I wish I could say I took advantage of those opportunities more...

And yet I still find myself longing sometimes for what is familiar, for what is quiet. For a taco and a margarita and for a drive down a nameless highway in a pickup truck:

yellow flowers, from car
taken by my dad, circa 1950's or 60's

I miss you, Texas. Now don't get me wrong, Texas - I don't miss you when some random guy on a bike (who looks like he's packing a knife) flicks us off while we're strolling down the Riverwalk, screaming "Don't you know about Right of Way?" I also do not miss you when trying to find a parking spot and huge pickup trucks the size of moving vans hem me in on every side. However, I do miss you when it's mid-March and all the flowers are blooming, especially the purple ones that droop in heavy clusters and smell like sweet grapes. When the air is so sweet and soft with blooming freshness and every breath reminds me of things I haven't done and inspires me with the hope that I will do those things, someday (and maybe soon). When I look at the faces of my family, and see written there, all the things I want to say and all the times I'll want to hug them this year, and cannot. That's when I miss you, Texas.

Thank you everyone, for your comments on my last weird things post - it was so sweet how many of you are also "fish rescuers" (or were inspired to start rescuing). Maybe I should put a few tips together about caring for bettas (keeping in mind I am by no means an expert)... More soon, and thanks for bearing with my glumness today.


Ariel said...

I moved East too and feel very much the same way when I return from visiting Arizona. I miss the Arizona sunsets and craggy mountains and the way the sky seems to spread out forever. And salsa. Lord, do I miss good salsa.

Mamameo said...

OH gosh! You talking about Texas acknowledges those same feelings I have about missing it..and not missing it. I am so glad to know that deep down, our homes, the land, the flowers, and all its "stuff" is part of who we are. Thanks for sharing.

Stacy A. said...

Floresita, I know exactly how you feel. I live in Boston but am from rural AZ. I really miss the night sky and the food. Every time I get there I fell like all the houses have been shortened and the streets widened lol. You can never do and see everyone you want to when you go home. I have started only telling certain people I will be home, then different ones the next time. Otherwise its so hectic you can't enjoy everyone. I hope you had a good time. Love Stacy

Chris Salley said...

I love this post. I'm originally from South Carolina and there's always a part of me that is torn between that country living and the hustle of a city. It's a love hate relationship.
Texas does have big trucks. I think they are bigger there then any place else. I went there for the first time last week and I felt really small.

emily said...

That's the funny thing about home, especially when it's in the countryside. Whenever I visit my mum, the first night I'm outside in the front yard staring at the stars you never see in the city.

Drewzel said...

I understand where you're coming from too. I grew up in the country, moved to the city and now live in the 'burbs (not by choice).
I'm often grappling with a "Green Acres" like city vs. country dilemma, and never fully resolve it.

I recommend lots more holidays in Texas, so you can spend more time with the things and people you love. I hope that's do-able for you. Big hugs. xxx steph

ps. how about you stich up a nice big "I heart Texas" sampler :P

IamSusie said...

We missed home so much, we finally moved back. It's bluebonnet time in Texas right now isn't it? That's the best time of year down there. I miss the three liter bottles of pop you can get in Texas. Here in the midwest, the upper limit is 2 liters..

Monica said...

Ay! Floresita, I love reading your blog, but sometimes it makes me homesick, too. I moved to NC just over a year ago and I miss my people, the food, the wide open spaces, and most of all, mi familia. Your blog helps to make me not feel so lonely.
Thanks for the sweet memories of home!!